I should probably eat something this month but all I have are three cartons of expired milk and some birth control.

When asked to rate my Emergeny Room experience last month, I told the hospital I would rather die of my ailments than visit their ER again

The crush I had in elementary school is also attending @brooklynbeta. I bet I can still make it weird 15 years later.

Got lost in the swooniverse, and stepped in hobo pee.

Two years ago today, I got a cat. Two years ago tonight, he defecated on my flokati rug. Happy Cattiversary! http://bit.ly/lSo3Um

Left a very beautiful thing in Boston: my favorite lip gloss.

Q: What does a bad tweet have in common with a bad play? A: Too many characters!

My favorite brunch place, @belly_pdx closed a week and a half ago and I will never eat my favorite meal again. WHY do I still live here? :(

Should have named my cat Excretory System. ZERO days without an accident.

I'm usually the meanest in the room, but the sax at last night's @denguefever show at Dantes was MEAN and I mean MEAN mean.