Hey y'all I was feeling inspired so I redesigned facebook! http://t.co/qzAeadKA

I miss the Clinton years. http://t.co/H3EwLvQj

Oatmeal is the clinical depression of breakfast.

Contemplating how saggy I'll be the next time Halley's Comet comes around

Really did not need to read the words 'anti-aging and cellular renewal cream for the vagina' today or ever.

Got drunk before trivia and ended up naming our team SCROTUS. /cc @goodonpaper @joshsucher

Just found a gray hair growing in a new part of my hairline, so I guess yesterday was the last day I was ever beautiful.

Oh crap I forgot to Photoshop @goodonpaper's head onto a cat body.

"I can't wait to go home and watch Grey Gardens" is a symptom of a life which is failing to meet one's expectations."

My apartment, 5 years from now http://t.co/dDN9NGgJ