Red White and Blech

Isn't everything awful

Two years ago I asked @andymcmillan out on a date and then when I was sure it was going well I kissed him. I CONTROL THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Apache more like CRAPache there goes my morning

Joined a coworking space 500ft from my apartment, which is 640sq ft. So it's like I'm in a part of my apartment that requires clothing.

I've been reunited with my cat for less than 12 hours, already almost crushed his trachea with an extreme hug

YOU GET MISTAKEN FOR STRANGERS BY YOUR OWN CATS

One of my Airbnb guests completely clogged up my shower drain with toilet paper. This is the last time I ever rent to http://t.co/Kbs6x83Rc5

I have sex toys that don’t even go as far back as the seats on Aer Lingus

A feature on planes where, if you recline your seat, your inflight entertainment system shows you the faces the person behind you is making